Comics and their Effect on my Love Life

I take it all back. Never trust Anonymous Shrink with anything at all. He said he thinks that no one reads what I write because they are afraid of me, and they are afraid of me because I say weird things to get their attention. Well I say screw him. No one reads my goddamn blog, who am I scaring? And then he said he was going to tell my parents about my blog. What I freak, I begged him not to and he agreed. I hate to beg. It makes me feel inferior, and stupid, because I have sunk to the lowest form of manipulation, which is begging. I am afraid of falling in love again, with someone I cant have. Its stupid. This girl came up to me while I was waiting to use the bathroom at Willow Street Pizza, and I don’t know why. It was weird. All my friends and me were at Baskin Robbins next door, for anonymous friend B’s birthday. B has to pee, and there is no restroom in Baskin Robbins, so we go to Willow Street Pizza, which is right next door. So she goes first and I start reading these comics from 1942 that they have posted on the wall in a frame as some sort of artwork. This chick comes up to me, very pretty, about 17, and starts talking to me about them. She is all like, “Are you into this stuff?” like its something like S and M that people are “into”. So I’m like, “Not really,” which is a lie, I read the comics every single day. But she sounded like she didn’t like them, so I figured it was easier to just agree. “I hate comics,” she continues, gesturing to this one with no dialogue with some guy eating pancakes, its not very funny. “They are always so focused on, like, potty humor, they should get more into the deeper social issues in America, it can turn out much funnier.” It was such a weird thing to say, that I just stared at her for a while. Then I said, “I know, I like to read the articles in the arts section more than the comics,” which is sort of true. She laughs and smiles at me, “Yeah.” She starts talking about her friends, who write this comic strip that she thinks is like hilarious. It was sooooo weird. So finally B comes out and I go in, wondering at how goddamn friendly this chick is. So I come out, and she is gone, which is weird since there is no other bathroom, and I figured that was why she was standing in this little hallway. So B says, “Were you talking to that chick?” and I am like “yeah, she just walked up to me, where did she go?” so B’s like, “she left right after you went in.” Ummm, yeah sort of weird. So we speculate as we’re walking back, and decide that this chick was hitting on me. Which probably wasn’t true, but intrigued me. It wasn’t like I totally fell in love with her when I saw her, but I somehow wished that we had talked more, and that she asked me out. It would have been nice. But Anonymous Shrink says I fantasize too much, and that I should actually go out there and make things happen, so I stopped thinking about what I should have said, or how I should have reacted, I just stopped thinking about her overall. But then I am on Myspace and I am looking at anonymous friend SK’s pics, and see her new boyfriend kissing the side of her face by her eye, and she has got this big smile on her face, and I am like, “Hey! I am not unattractive, why don’t I have someone to kiss?” So my mind goes back to this chick, and I keep wondering, could I have had her? But I probably couldn’t have. Whatever. I think I say whatever too much. Oh fuck it all to hell.

Tara, R, G, and AL

I’ve got nothing to say. And it kind of makes me want to scream. I WANT SOMEONE GOD-FUCKING DAMMIT!!!!!! That didn’t make me feel any better; I didn’t think that it would. Fuck. I am so bored with the way things are going. Although I am going to the mall with anonymous friend R, and might go see Brick with Anonymous friend G. R is like always busy, so it is nice to be doing something with her. I find that I am not particularly attracted to her, and would never want to do anything with her. Yet I really want her to fall in love with me. Just so that I can have the satisfaction of knowing that she is in love with me, because everyone likes her, and it is hard to get close to her. But I guess that is kind of a bitchy thing to want. Oh well, this blog isn’t called Chronicles of an Anonymous Bitch for nothing. I have become certain I am not a lesbian. I am Bisexual. It’s only taken me like 6 years to come to that conclusion. I am relieved; I know I will never tell my parents. I’ve only told anonymous friend AL, because she has connections with the sophomore at my school that I have a crush on. I will call her Tara, cause I like that name. She will probably never know. Fuck it.

Consumption

My chest, it feels the emptiness within
In due course I'd hoped it might have gone
I'm moving everything under my skin
Hoping it will rise and leave like dawn
But still I smile, a twinkle in my eye
And let those who are empty feast on me
They eat my smiles and laughs like cherry pie
And snack on words like apples from a tree
Like cookies, they sneak words off of my tongue
And take pleasure in the goodness of my soul
Chewing on my thoughts like bubble-gum
They eat my emptiness with spoons and bowls
I look into my future and see me
Lonely I am, though I may be wed
Though all around they say that they love me
It's only 'caus I've kept them warmly fed
But soon I see the emptiness will grow
Leaving me with only smiles to give
The twinkle in my eyes does not burn low
But soon I see my soul will cease to live
I chain my lovely thoughts within myself
Though I may appear so wild and free
I lay my hunger down on some old shelf
And let the ever empty consume me

Our Song

With that far away look
With that nowhere stare
She isn’t here
She’s all the way there

With that gone too long tone
With that despair glare
He didn’t want
And now he doesn’t care

They stole away notes
From the long gone song
Now they wont hear
Cause it’s been much too long

If heaven is on earth
We always heard the word
But hell’s here too
Now that is absurd

But things sometimes are bad
And good’s gone, things are wrong
Now life is a mess
And we can’t hear our song

But left empty are they
With the right here beer
Though they’re all alone
At least there’s no fear

Now the last days are gone
As the shadows get long
We stand like ghosts
Cause we cant hear our song

My Face

They tell me what I should be
And show me what the world would see
If I were perfect in their ways
And everything that's lovely stays
Oh, I could keep my self in line
All I’ve to do is spend the time
To make myself be everything
Yet form in me the perfect ring
But rings are broken all the time
But hey, can I not be the sign?
That all is well, and all is right
And that our good side is in sight
With shiny eyes, and wavy hair
And that sexy little stare
Of something torn within my soul
The one thing most cannot keep whole
But I’d have to hold my tongue at times
But when I talk, everything rhymes
I must love myself in a way
And let the girl inside me stay
But something breaks, and won’t come back
That one last straw, the final snap
And I feel ugly, for I always have been
And see that I am not the maiden
Oh skin! Please die and fall away
That woman inside, she must stay
But then my old life runs away
And I feel ugly every day
Don’t give up! Scrape and scrape away
At everything I hate today
And stare at my expanse of hell
Praying that my smile will sell
Cursing what I am with out
And die inside without a doubt
I am the ugliest they see
For they will never look at me
And say, I love her more than day!
I have to have her always stay
But they cast me away away
I sleep until night, and then wake in a rush
Scratching away at my blush
Crying at the empty house
Feeling smaller than a mouse
Killing everything inside
Where is the girl that had to hide?
She left I feel, for a better place
And a land that’s filled with silk and lace
If I were she I wouldn’t stay
I would go so far away
That all that’s ugly couldn’t find me
Couldn’t enter, couldn’t bind me
But I know it would always follow
From yesterday, into tomorrow
Feeding on my empty insides
Killing the girl I had to hide
I stare out the window, awaiting the dawn
Then scrub at my face, until it is gone.

The King

The king of some more distant land
Saw your smile and felt your hand
And now he loves you more than I do, for you
He saw you by the silver moon
He took your hand and he took your gloom
But you’re not ever really gloomy, are you?



Inside and out he is a man
But deep within that distant land
He was a boy who never even knew you
And if you told him then I bet
He would not even fight to get
The greatness of what comes when one soul knew you



Because of rain, because of war
Because you’re on the kitchen floor
But you cant really like yourself now, do you?
Because of love because of loss
Because you made oh such a fuss
He sits their thinking holy hallelujah



But within one single day
In an almost silent way
He told you that he never really knew you
But even though he says it here
Inside his mind I know his fear
Of one day maybe he will really lose you


And every day when he wakes up
He prays as he sips from his cup
That you’ll come down and he can say I love you
And in his way and in his mind
He loves you more than all mankind
But you don’t really, truly love him, do you?

And if you do decide to leave
You'll know its your unflinching greed
That stole his life away, and his love for you
Leave the world outside this place
Or no one could even look at your face
But you cant really like yourself, now do you?

The Woman on the Floor

That little tiny flaw within my heart
The one that’s held me over since the start
The thought of life within the wandering mind
The deadly, and the locking, and the bind

The whistle leaving you in little spins
The water heaving rain into the winds
The live the life the love and then the death
The hearing of the greatness of the breath

The falling of the mind after the soul
The chocolates just sitting in the bowl
The breathing and the wanting and the loss
The star, the book, the flower, and the cross

Beginning all the falling of before
Watching for a knocking at the door
Though no one’s home she knocks until she cries
The woman on the floor, she merely sighs

Heaven

You have become all that I think of
All I hope for every night
When I pray
To what I don’t believe in
And yet when I see your face
I know that there must be hell
To balance out such heaven
On this earth
Little did I know
That the line between
The greatest heaven on the earth
And living hell
Is so, so thin
For in the night I don’t even think
Of what there is to be
But when I see his face
Every morning
It is hell
The hell is in his eyes
In his love for me
That I cannot return
But that I should
And that I could
And that she doesn’t
Not for me
So many disappointments
And still every night
They are all forgotten
In the heaven In your eyes

The Room

By and by
With every sigh
Is a moment of relief
A turning leaf
A new page left unread
But then back to the other again
On another face
Lies a smile
For a while
To be filled in with
Tears of a child
In a few years not a child anymore
But still a child’s tears will pour
And out they run
Till hating is done
And yet you love
Feeling bad
Being sad
Remembering glad
But no more of that
I'm flipping the hat
And entering the room
For a few moments no doom
For a few moments a child
For a few moments wild
Bathrobes that trail
Dresses that teeter like a bell
And swish when you walk
And twirl when you spin
A room filled with horses and rainbows and old-fashioned movies
That play in your head
And cheeses and bread
Not a drop of blood bled
Every animal fed
Never all the books read
With balls and horse drawn carriages
Here I would rather stay for just a few days
Than leave and live forever out there
And then a blur
Remember no more
Silent sleep not a snore
Then open the door and it all leaves so I will keep it locked and
Kill the key
And then try not to miss
Any kiss
Any bliss from you
And your world
I am taking a moment or few
Don’t take me away now
Don’t give me a curfew
You want me to leave but don’t see how
I am staying here
Where there is no beer
No more sting, no more burn
I am happy now and I will never return

The Latter Dies

Because I am ok
I have decided to leave
Because of just today
I have decided to heave
And because of you I am broken
But still I am not dead
Because of all the words you’ve spoken
I am drowning in myself instead
When everything is over
Will you still be in the car?
Waiting for your lover
Naming all the stars
Or will you leave me softly
As though I am a friend
Will you release me gently?
For I’ve a garden to tend
A garden full of secrets
That I can never tell
A house that’s full of merits
And a heart that’s full of hell
So please tell me your secrets
I will plant them in my garden
Please give me your merits
For my wall is yet to harden
Into stone it will, with just some more
More secrets, and more lies
My soul is weak, my heart is soreAnd … the latter dies

Far Away

You come today from far away
With pictures in your eyes
Of coffee shops and sunny days
And warm sweet apple pies
Of countertops and smiling girls
Of those who know your name
Of movie slides that streak and curl
And children playing games

Oh please say that it’s perfect there
That’s all I want to hear
I want to know that at least somewhere
Is happier then here
I need that hope oh cant you see
So I’ll stop hating me

A place with little shops and brick sidewalks
Of town meetings and the strange
Yet those you love and do not gawk
Of walking in the rain
Of apartments above your diner
Where everyone knows who you are
Of those who don’t dream of things finer
For they’re happy with who they are

Oh please say that it’s perfect there
That’s all I want to hear
I want to know that at least somewhere
Is happier then here
I need that hope oh cant you see
So I’ll stop hating me

You see me there with long dark hair
And ask me where to go
You smile at me, as others stare
And leave me with a glow
They laugh at you when you are gone
But I wish you would stay
And not leave me with them alone
For the rest of my days

Oh please say that it’s perfect there
That’s all I want to hear
I want to know that at least somewhere
Is happier then here
I need that hope oh cant you see
So I’ll stop hating me

I want to see the little shops, the brick sidewalks
The children playing games
The rainy days and silly talks
And know all of their names
I hate it here with all the stores
Filled with people who don’t care
‘Bout neighbors at their doors
Nor like my dark brown hair

Oh please say that it’s perfect there
That’s all I want to hear
I want to know that at least somewhere
Is happier then here
I need that hope oh cant you see
So I’ll stop hating me

I want to live above a diner, dream not of things finer
Wake up every morning to the smell of apple pie
Care with you about things minor
And never have to die
To die at my own hand I mean
For that’s what I’ll have here
I want to lay on grass so green
And call you “love” and “dear”

Oh please say that it’s perfect there
That’s all I want to hear
I want to know that at least somewhere
Is happier then here
I need that hope oh cant you see
So I’ll stop hating me

I follow you to the park
Tap your shoulder, flip my hair
And to stop it getting dark
I ask “I want to be with you, can you take me there?”

Oh please say that it’s perfect there
That’s all I want to hear
I want to know that at least somewhere
Is happier then here
I need that hope oh cant you see
So I’ll stop hating me

Oh god please take me there, please take me there

Turns out that you take me there
And I love it just as I thought
Turns out that what I had here
Was much worse than I thought
We lay on grass, the perfect scene
Have silly talks on brick sidewalks
And everybody knows my name
I know I will never be the same

My dear

Oh please say that it’s perfect there
That’s all I want to hear
I want to know that at least somewhere
Is happier than here
I write these words in my own home
Right above a diner
And living here and not alone, there is nothing finer.

The Man in Black

The man in black
Oh dressed in black
His sword hilt at his side
Rides ever on
Towards the town
Ever on he rides

The woman perched
Just like a bird
Upon her moonlit window sill
Hums softly on
Each note a song
Towards the sky that's still

The night so warm
Drifts gently on
A fan in every room
Spins softly on
Each spin so long
The heat yet still will loom

The man arrives
Into the town
In search of his true love
Looks dreamily on
Awaiting the dawn
A note inside his glove

He finds his love
On a window sill
Combing her long black hair
She 's combing on
Her hair so long
It drifts upon the air

She looks way down
Into her town
And sees her black dressed man
Gazes longingly on
Still humming a song
He reaches up as far as he can

Waves of her perfume
Drift gently down
Into the mans dark face
Drift gently down
Off of her crown
And her nightgown of lace

He takes her hands
This man in black
And pulls her to his horse
Forgetting the dawn
She hums gently on
Knowing no remorse

They ride to hills
Ride gently ride
The man and his princess
The town is gone
As they ride on
In search of trees; the best

They sit and hold
Each others hands
With the curtain of leaves drawn
They hold hands on
Even past foregone
And wait in the dark till the beautiful dawn


PART TWO


The two in the dark
Sit calmly on
The night adrift with heat
Sit calmly on
Their lives forgone
Lost in perfume and heat

The man in black
Takes off his mask
To give her one last kiss
Before she’s gone
Into the dawn
For her he shall always miss

They ride away
Back to the town
To the tower of the princess
Ride quietly on
Racing the dawn
Dark becoming less and less

He leaves her there
Outside her castle
Gives her one last kiss on the hand
Kisses her softly on
The kiss so long
Puts back on her finger a gold band

She looks out on
The world below
And at her lovely country
As he rides on
Towards the dawn
And past a Banyan tree

She climbs the vine
Up to her tower
And into her stifling room
She still humming a song
That goes for so long
Brushing her hair full of perfume

On a chair someone sat
Someone she knew so well
Her fiancé sitting there
He stares on
She stops humming her song
And brushing her long black hair

They speak of arrangements
Of wedding plans
They talk of the country too
They talk for so long
That along comes the dawn
And then her betrothed says adieu

The princess sits
And thinks
So long she thinks and sits there
She thinks thoughtfully on
In the warm summer dawn
Combing her long black hair

She knows whom she loves
And she knows whom she will marry
And it doesn’t bother ne’er
She knows what will go on
As she thinks on and on
Combing her long black hair.

Sinner

I stand there
Thinking that I must get up
Feeling the loneliness
Crawling out of my eyes
Feeling the helplessness
Scratching away at my stomach
And as unhappy as I am
As sad and as lonely
And as weak and unholy
All I can think of
Is how I would give anything
To believe in god
But I don’t
And I wont
And I cry
And though I know why
I don’t understand
Being so confused
The water in my soul
Is tearing through my body
To my face
To my eyes
But I still stand here silently
Trying not to move
To keep my firm grip on the floodgates
So the water can’t escape
And I smile
But it’s unholy
For it is a sin to lie
And my smile is a lie
And everything about my smile is a lie
So even if I did believe in god
He would hate me anyways
Because I am more that just the sinner
And I crave to be so
Crave to get under their skin
To be their one
And perfectSin

What I say

I tell you that I love you
But I don’t
I tell you that I’ll see you
But I wont
I tell you ‘no’
But I do what I want
I tell you that I’m ok
But I’m not
And when the day is over
I just cry
And though you are my cover
You just sigh
Taking looks at me
Across the room
Your frustration is a sea
And one of gloom
For when it’s done
The world is still a mess
I want to run
But just take off my dress
And kill the thoughts
Boiling to the brim
Tie tight my knots
And live a life of sin
And make you smile for me
But not for us
Drowning in the sea
Of all your fuss
I kill myself
And hate you because
My soul’s on a shelfThough that’s the way it was

Mt Darling Sings to Me

How can we look when we cannot see?
What can we do when we don’t strive to be?
All of this my darling sings to me
And all the people in the world line up across the sea
They stand all in a line to dance with me
But they don’t know that it is me
For I am never the one they see
They see the world inside my eyes
The greatest and the deepest prize
They never ever see the lies
For I am no one, in their eyes
I tower over any size
And yet, I am merely their prize
As they got lost inside my eyes
For they are all your savior dear
You’re darkest and you’re nearest fear
No matter how you strive to hear
At you, the devil always leers
But in my heart I draw your hair
And in my mind I long to stare
At all your presence, false, but fair
For all the world I cannot bear
And you’re the only one I see
And I am all I want to be
When it is only you I see
All this my darling sings to me
~The Girl on the Moon

The Devil's Lover

The words that I speak are not mine
They are borrowed for the time
And the life that I want is a sin
Though repentance will never begin
And the devil looks at me with love
For the earth and the heavens above
Are all of the things that he dreams of
And though he does and will hate love
He craves it from my me and my flesh
For my soul and his soon will mesh
And will disappear in the morning
When he has deemed it all boring
Leaving me with only sorrow
And a craving for tomorrow
When he will love me for my sakeAnd what connects us all will break

For The World

Regret

I wonder if it is ok
To be this way
I see it now
As I have seen
Before the town
And grass too green

Remembering
The golden ring
I lost so long ago
And places now forever lost
I’ll never know
Except the cost

Where I grew up
Is a half filled cup
I left with no warning
And I still remember
The beautiful morning
In lost late September

He told me I could
Even that I should
And he said it with a smile
Go off to a place
No matter how far the mile
Find gold, silk, and lace

But he said it with tears
As he knew I face no fears
And he told it to me then
The thing that means so much
To me and only me when
I sit alone at lunch…

Remember my boy
Though you face so much joy
There is nothing so blissful
As the country side of gold
Nor are there women so beautiful
As in the town where you grew old

And remember when you lack
You may always come back
And be happy and good
With beauty right here
Loving where you stood
Though sameness be near

For there is nothing so blissful
Nor women so beautiful
Or mothers who make better stew
Nor is there less to fear
Nor more people who love you
As in what will always be right here

Regret

Regret

I wonder if it is ok
To be this way
I see it now
As I have seen
Before the town
And grass too green

Remembering
The golden ring
I lost so long ago
And places now forever lost
I’ll never know
Except the cost

Where I grew up
Is a half filled cup
I left with no warning
And I still remember
The beautiful morning
In lost late September

He told me I could
Even that I should
And he said it with a smile
Go off to a place
No matter how far the mile
Find gold, silk, and lace

But he said it with tears
As he knew I face no fears
And he told it to me then
The thing that means so much
To me and only me when
I sit alone at lunch…

Remember my boy
Though you face so much joy
There is nothing so blissful
As the country side of gold
Nor are there women so beautiful
As in the town where you grew old

And remember when you lack
You may always come back
And be happy and good
With beauty right here
Loving where you stood
Though sameness be near

For there is nothing so blissful
Nor women so beautiful
Or mothers who make better stew
Nor is there less to fear
Nor more people who love you
As in what will always be right here

Kiss

Someday I will kiss you for real
In some far off place
In a far off state of mind
Someday I will make you feel
Brush my hands along your face
A kiss of a different kind

And I will make you want me
In a way you never did
Make you long for this
Make you desire for me
Till you cannot shut the lid
On that separate kind off kiss

I will make you in this kiss
Make you never see the me
In a world I have created
For us in this pity bliss
But someday you will see
That everything’s gone, faded

For that one last way
For that want of my touch
For you to long freely for this
To lie with me, to stay
To push me away, love me too much
In that special kind of kiss

Here we go

Ok, so I am going to post a whole bunch of poems. Go!