Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Innocence, Will, and Molly


Ever gone onto Google images and just typed in a random word, hoping to get a picture that moves you? Well, that is how I got this picture. I typed in the word “innocence” and apparently this is a still from some movie by that title. I don’t really care about the movie. But this picture always seemed so cool to me, and now every time I look at it I think of innocence. I wish that I could go back to being innocent. Some might say that I still am. If you measure in years, I guess I am, but if you measure in how many times I say fuck…


I just like it. I named them Will and Molly. I don’t know why. Just like giving things names. I am in a real sentimental mood tonight. I’ll go back to my Bitch tomorrow. She welcomes me with opening arms. Hitting myself on the head and telling myself to fall to goddamn-fucking sleep, this is Anonymous Bitch giving you the story on this picture, and Anonymous Bitch’s sudden and unexpected conforming to mushiness. Fuck it; I hope this sickness goes away soon.

Lesley


This being an anonymous blog, its probably a bad idea to put this picture up here, but I am totally full of crap ideas. This is the girl I love more than anything. Lesley. She is my sister. I love this picture with all my heart, because its her, on her birthday. My favorite color is green, becuase its been her favorite color for as long as I can remember, and everytime I wear it, or see it, I think of her. And I would be content to contemplate her for the rest of my life. She is 2 years older than me, and yet I love and care for her, more than she could ever care for me. I make sure that she is always happy, becuase I feel that if she is not, it is all my fault. I love her, and she deserves to be on this blog, even if no one else does. She is my connection to my childhood, and as screwed up as everything inside me gets, she's always there to remind me of what I once was, and what I always could be again.

Hunger world

A story I just wrote, not much I guess, the begining of something I hope though. Hoping for more people to read my blog, hoping to get it out there, so I have insentive to write. The bitch within is coupled with my insecurtiy, when no one reads, I feel no nead to write. Hence me thinking my life will always be partially fucked up in its own way. Oh, fuck it.

Hunger

She sits there at the window, picking at a spot on her chin, grimacing in the sunlight when I walk in. She stands up quickly, but gracefully and practiced, putting on a huge smile, that rather than making the room glow brighter, creates a cool fakeness about her, and seems to block out even the sun, leaving only this woman, who I felt more close to watching from afar.
"You must be Mariah," she says, and only that, with no tone or particular volume, just a voice that comes from somewhere in her throat. But I am practiced, and a smile as well.
"Hmm-hmm." As sad and as silly as my smile is, she takes it as she would any other response I would give her and stores it in the notebook in her head, for later reflection. She motions for me to sit down in a cool black chair, and I do so, looking right into her eyes. They are empty eyes, at least temporarily, empty of all emotion, of everything. But my eyes penetrate something deeper in her, something locked up, she coughs deep in her throat and looks away.
"So, tell me why you are here,” she continues on, her speech of comfort, of welcome. But I don’t say anything for a while, looking as though I am contemplating it.
"No," I say simply, and she does not reply with the laugh I know she has ready to give, as though I am making some big joke. Instead she falls silent, in what I believe is disappointment. For I feel she feeds on the tears that her clients shed. Taking all of them and putting them in the back of her mind on a shelf, locking them away, where they are comfortable. But I will not give them to her. I refuse to give her the pleasure of my tears and thoughts. It is strange for her to think that I would give them all up to her when I have kept them inside me all this time. It is as though my thoughts are beasts locked up in chains inside my heart, and the only way they've to escape is through my eyes in tears. But my whole life I have been fighting the chains, and now she is telling me to let them loose? Why should I? They are mine to have, not hers. I will not allow my tears to become her pride. So that when she takes them from me, and locks them in the prison in her heart, she can take pride in the fact that they have never once escaped through her eyes.
I stand up, and she doesn’t move, even if everything in her body is telling her to.

"I've decided no," I repeat, and leave. And when I do and leave some of myself behind with her, a part of me that she wants more than she can even explain to herself, a part she cannot have. She tries to pass the wanting off as hunger, picks up an apple, and takes a bite, lost in hunger, in wanting, in a thirst that will never be quenched, but instead forgotten, ripped out of the notebook inside her head.
Dad has not sent me to any shrinks since her, for there is only one where we live. I don’t know why he sent me to her in the first place. Probably because he knew he needed to do something about me, needed to be the good father. Even though he knew it would not help me at all. But for him, my attitude has changed him from being a father who wants his daughter to be happy, and into one who will do what he thinks other fathers might do when a situation arrives, without much of a care as to whether or not it makes a difference or not. And for all of this, I have always been eternally sorry. But wallowing in sorry's is what people who can think of no solution do, and though I cant think of a solution for his part, it is best not to remind myself of it. So instead, I go and eat pancakes.
Harry's is a wonderful place to eat in my opinion, even if all the cups are dirty, and it is a bar that only serves food to minors who cant drink. I have been eating there ever since I tried to run away from home when I was 9. I was not really running away, just escaping for a while, getting a taste of being away from home, and away from everything. I was walking aimlessly down the street, starting to feel foolish, when I came across Harry’s, a sign in front saying "bar and restaurant: breakfast served all day". The thought of pancakes stirred in me some desire, normal families (at least in my mind) would go out to eat pancakes on Saturday nights like this. So I stopped in and met Harry, he was only in his late teens then, for Harry senior was in fact who started the place. He was a tall boy of 16, with black hair, that seemed wild to me somehow, and a square chin. All the girls in town loved him, but he showed no interest in them. He loved me though, ever since I walked into that bar, bleary eyed and tired, with only 3 dollars. He took my order, and my three dollars, and when he served me my pancakes and eggs, he sat across from me and talked to me like any other person who had walked into his bar. He drank whiskey, and offered me some, which I refused. "You should never drink," he told me, taking a swig himself. "Girls get silly when they drink, and stupid. Men can stay calm and serious". I laughed and told him my daddy said that men and women were really the same inside and should be treated the same, but he just laughed at this. "That," he said, "is one of the most told lies, and an important one at that." he sent me home with a handshake and a promise to give me free pancakes for the rest of my life, as long as a promised never to get stupid. Since then I have never touched alcohol, because he still gives me free pancakes.
So that is where I went after my appointment with the psychologist. And that is where I went on Friday, may 25th, when I was 14 years old. I left school at 3:00, I ironically even did my homework in the library before leaving. I went home, and picked up a bag sitting on the table right inside the front door, then walked down to Harry’s. "Back again sweetheart?" he said, "when I said I would give you free pancakes, I expected you to come back twice tops, not every Friday for the rest of your fucking life." this is how Harry greeted me every single time I walked in the door (well he added the "fucking" in when I turned 12). "Don’t expect me next Friday" I replied, "I am leaving". He rolled his eyes, "you have been saying that ever since you walked in here 5 years ago," he laughed, hitting me on the side of the head. "I mean it this time". I lifted my bag up and put it on the counter, "I've even packed my stuff." he looked down into the bag. "You have only done that a couple of times," he frowned.” you know I would miss you if you left". I sigh, "
somehow I think you will survive, an attractive 22 year old, losing a 14 year old friend," I raised an eyebrow. He gave me a look and served another costumer. I ate my pancakes quickly, and kissed his cheek goodbye, he waved me out the door saying, "See you again next Friday?" I smiled. I haven’t seen him for 7 years.
It so happens that I did leave that Friday, and the reason, and the way, I have forgotten, mixed up in my head with all the memories that I have of that place. All that I remember is that I left, and I have not gone back for seven years. According to Dana, who is my only connection up to a couple years ago to my hometown, my father never went looking for me, and Harry still waited for every Friday for years, until he gave up and started dating to get his mind off of me. I may have been much too young for him to be in love with me, but he still loved me more than he had loved anyone else, and I think he still does in a sense. I can just feel in my bones that he is out there somewhere, loving me, and that he always will be.

Summerland

Summerland

“In summer time,” my Lottie said so many years before,
“We smell perfume of flowers, thick petals on the floor,
“And each dream of day,” she whispers to the air
“We dream of lovely girls with golden hair.”
Her darkly colored curls they lie so still
Says she, “The summertime brings to the land a hill,
“That once before was broken and so dim,
“Its elegance till summer lies within.”
The rain, it patters soundly on the roof,
Outside is heard many a horses hoof
But my love Lottie does not hear the rain
Or no of the cold and poor’s pain
For my love Lottie is nowhere near hear
In Summerland where she doesn’t have to fear
Of winter or of fall or even spring
Where lying in the sun she starts to sing
Of songs that I am sure I’ve heard before
But on that life I have shut the door
To lock myself in Summerland with her
Yet memories they now begin to stir
Of times long gone that have been left behind
For touched by evil things and for the kind
In washed out skin and freckles barely seen
Of the goddess dressed up as my queen
Dear Lottie smiles but I can barely see
Maybe it’s something evil in the tea
But the room seems less like it is there
And suddenly dear Lottie’s lovely hair
Is laced up prettily atop her head
“You’re hear with me,” my lovely Lottie said
And where I am there is no rain or cold
And every inch of land near me seems old
The sun is shining brightly all around
And my dear Lottie singing is the only sound
Dear Isabel the queen of Summerland
Skips all around seeking to give a helpful hand
My dear Lottie sits under a tree with lemonade
While in the river girls begin to wade
And I sit across the river from my love
Contemplating riddles from above
I am in Summerland where no one has to die
Where all the hours just seem to pass you by
It doesn’t matter what I do or say
In Summerland with Lottie everyday
But suddenly I realize she’s all
That way across the river and I stall
And I cannot be happy when she isn’t here
When she doesn’t even realize I am here
And suddenly the leaves begin to fall
And suddenly near me there is a wall
With a door with darkness at the other end
A woman beckons to me to ascend
But I know what is behind the door
Everything that I knew before
And what is the world when Lottie isn’t there
Still, Lottie doesn’t notice that I’m here
But Lottie isn’t there behind the door
Not really sitting smiling on the floor
She’s sitting sipping sweets in Summerland
While next to her mere body I stand
She suddenly smiles sweetly ‘cross the river
And I know that Lottie knows that I am with her
Long years past leave paint within my fingers
Echoing in my head are whispers
The water fills her pores upon her face
Dripping onto her dress of white lace
And ribbons race themselves all up her back
No elegance does my dear Lottie lack
So I stop thinking of the life I knew before
And finally the woman shuts the door
And lottie and me look into each other’s eyes
And I forget that everything is lies.