Holding Hands with Tara

Anonymous friend AL and I had a quite a night last night. She is the only friend I have that knows I am bisexual. She also knows Tara, and that I like her. We talked about life. About everything we do that we hate. She showed me nine scars on each of her wrists from trying to kill herself. And told me that the virus she go that nearly killed her and put her in a coma for a month was caused by overdose. Not even the doctors know that. They are all just confused about why her body didn’t fight off the virus better. We walked around downtown the day after Cinquo De Mayo. There were like a billion people out, we just followed them all out to the clubs. She held my hand; so I could see what it was like to hold hands with another girl around other people. It was fun, and I was terrified. At one point, I thought I was really going to start crying right there in the middle of the sidewalk in front of all the drunk Mexicans. She looked over at me and laughed. She said I looked happy. I don’t know why. I was so scared I was almost shaking. I have mixed feelings. I want to get together with Tara, and walk around downtown holding her hand. And yet, I also just want to die. But I don’t want to kill myself. I just want everything to stop. Just for one moment. I just don’t want to have to think about all the crap I am going to have to deal with. And I want to stop thinking about how I will deal with being me, because I bet you everything in the whole world that both things are going to suck. Really, really suck.