Holding Hands with Tara
Anonymous friend AL and I had a quite a night last night. She is the only friend I have that knows I am bisexual. She also knows Tara, and that I like her. We talked about life. About everything we do that we hate. She showed me nine scars on each of her wrists from trying to kill herself. And told me that the virus she go that nearly killed her and put her in a coma for a month was caused by overdose. Not even the doctors know that. They are all just confused about why her body didn’t fight off the virus better. We walked around downtown the day after Cinquo De Mayo. There were like a billion people out, we just followed them all out to the clubs. She held my hand; so I could see what it was like to hold hands with another girl around other people. It was fun, and I was terrified. At one point, I thought I was really going to start crying right there in the middle of the sidewalk in front of all the drunk Mexicans. She looked over at me and laughed. She said I looked happy. I don’t know why. I was so scared I was almost shaking. I have mixed feelings. I want to get together with Tara, and walk around downtown holding her hand. And yet, I also just want to die. But I don’t want to kill myself. I just want everything to stop. Just for one moment. I just don’t want to have to think about all the crap I am going to have to deal with. And I want to stop thinking about how I will deal with being me, because I bet you everything in the whole world that both things are going to suck. Really, really suck.
posted by Anonymous Bitch at 8:18 PM
6 Comments:
oh the times i've said to myself "christ, i just want all of this to stop." i'm pretty sure i said it either earlier today or yesterday. i'm pretty sure it won't. but that doesn't mean that things can't be okay sometimes. because surprisingly, they are. sometimes things are just okay. and worrying about being you isn't something you have to do. because you find people who are there for you no matter what. and you will know that you're the luckiest person on earth. even if it's only one person. if someone cares, it's worth trying. i promise.
now you really remind me of myself at 15!i too am bisexual,well was when i was younger,now it's just something i might do every now and then for fun.when i was 14 i had a friend ,we'll call her K.known her since 2nd grade .i'd been having feelings for her and one night she asked if i'd ever kissed a girl,i said no,so she kissed me,and things kinda progressed from there.we would hold hands at the mall and giggle and yes we got plenty of stares.ppl seem to be more tolerant to things like that now so just be you and don't worry about the world.all the things you're going through now and will go through are all for a reason.i know that seems cliche but it's true.even the most horrible days are important,they shape you.and even if you feel like you can't,talk to your mother.i bet she has more wisdom than you think,;)
thank you for sharing your story. it is scary (it was the first time and it still is) you and i have talked about all this before, so i have nothing much else to say. ~mariah
like miss anonymous said, i don't know how many times i have just wanted it to stop. if you don't think that you have someone who cares, then you are an idiot. That is b/c i love you an that itsn't going to stop. Even though i'm not bi, you can always talk to me or even fly over to see me if you need to. By the way, i forgot - don't tell your friends who i am, in case they read your blog. our secret! <3
Its good you had somone so open that would do that with,and I can understand that all the crap your going to have to deal with is going to really suck because I'm thinking that exact thing myself.
Well, anonymous, you fascinate me. Now I am intrigued and want to know more! You sure know how to get a girl hooked. Send me an email at Lilyevans9@gmail.com, its a better way to communicate.
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