Snap

I retched silently into the wastebasket, falling back down onto the floor. I heard her footsteps coming across the kitchen, and I placed my hands down on the cold linoleum, lacing air into my fingers, wishing it would turn to solid. Wishing it would dig deep into my hands, and crush my bones, and snap the ligaments. I wished to see the blood from my hands run smoothly across the floor, a beautiful dance of pain. I wanted to hurt myself as much as I possibly could, to slowly drown in the blood of my hands. For I remembered how I had promised myself I wouldn’t let her hurt me, yet here I was, sitting on the cold linoleum of my kitchen, retching into a trash can. I felt dizzy, and imagined the blood from my hands running down across the now sideways floor, leaking into the cracks until everything was blood, and I wouldn’t feel any of this anymore. Snap, snap, snap goes the bones, I thought to myself. And gushing goes the blood. And she will slip in it. And I will not be here anymore. But she reached me, and leaned down towards my face, I could smell the sweetness in her breath, even in the middle of the night. Her eyes not only held sympathy, but stories of sympathy, stories of life and love, of everything she had fixed in everyone, of everything I couldn’t even fix in myself. So I smiled and said, “Oh, I just couldn’t sleep.”

This is a peice I wroe in a story a while ago. Story, not so good. But i kind of liked this part.