Death of a Pillow

I have a phobia of myself, well, of letting myself think for too long. I have noticed, that if you think about something for too long, it stops making any sense whatsoever. And then you get all confused, and the thing that you were thinking of in the first place is silly now, and you change your mind so much in the course of all these thoughts, that you end up losing support for your decision instead of gaining it. My mother read this book, called “The Paradox of Choice”, which talks about how, if you make a choice, and then have to explain it to someone, you actually start thinking about all the reasons you made that decision, and then you want to change your mind, but suddenly don’t know what to change your mind to! Well, my choice is that I am a lesbian, and the person I am explaining this all to, is myself. I don’t know really why I think I am a lesbian. Yes, I am attracted to women. Yes, I do want to have sex with them a million times more than I want to have sex with men. And yes, I am in love with Tara (if you missed the part on Tara, go back to the post “Tara, R, G, and AL” or if you want to know of my lesbian exploits, (no it isn’t dirty) go to, “Holding hands with Tara”, and ignore the bisexual part. Or should you?! I don’t even know! Anyways, so ummm… yes, I do look down girls’ shirts when they bend over, and yes, I do have many guy friends that I am not remotely attracted to… so why would I ever think I wasn’t a lesbian? That, my friend, is the problem. Why indeed? Because I don’t want to be a lesbian. I don’t want to get into the whole “rights” thing, if you want to know of my bitchyness, try “Rosen Girls”, and I do not want to never care about how I look, good example in the story “Beautiful Girl”. So the world is really confusing me right now, so I punched a pillow. Which didn’t work. Now I am wishing I had a gun so I could shoot it to death. That might make me feel better. Die, pillow, die!!!!